John 8:3KJV
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
Dearest Ladies,
HAPPY TUESDAY!!!
God is good! Praise the Lord for another beautiful day! We are so blessed to be alive.
The other day I was speaking with my aunt. Not too far into our conversation, she began repeating family lies and legends that served to further preserve and protect dark, disastrous, deadly, damaging family secrets.
I was so shocked to hear my elder aunt candidly and frankly disseminate lies. The lies rolled off her tongue with such rapid speed. It was difficult to tell if her thoughts were premeditated or just a toxic, subliminal ooze from a deep, dark subconscious place. Obviously, her heart held a bastion of secrets but she dared not let the light of God's truth and wisdom invade those dark, dank cardiac chambers. She lived balled and chained in her own dismal heart, mind, and world.
Southern respectability, pseudo-Christian respectability, and feminine respectability all collided to enslave my dear aunt to a very wretched past. There was a desperation in her. She wanted to embrace truth but lies were so much more convenient. She recalled the hurtful events of the past like they occurred moments ago. She is a shell of a woman; unable to process, understand, and safely retire the past. With every lie that she breathed life into, her self-imprisonment posed a tighter strangle on her life. My heart ached for her. Our bodies can only tolerate so much untruth and pain. Once a person reaches their threshold, the harboring of painful secrets and untruth begins to take a toll on one's health.
Sisters, acceptance of all of our stages and phases of life is very important. Dr. Kubler-Ross indicated in her research that acceptance is the final stage in the death and dying grief process. In order to completely resolve our grief birthed from divorce, we must come to an acceptance of our new normal.
Acceptance is experienced by focusing less and less on our loss and our painful past. An indication of our acceptance of loss is evidenced by our ability to recollect without experiencing profound post-traumatic stress. A healthy indicator of acceptance is demonstrated in our preoccupation with the present and future more so than our pasts.
One of the most important elements of acceptance is working through our painful experiences. It is not healthy or wise to lie to ourselves nor others in an attempt to circumvent the healing process. From time to time, humans struggle to a degree with the temptation to embellish their images or stories. We often fancy others with our embellished stories in order to assuage our egos; there is safe ground to do so. In fact, in the face of trauma, we create and re-create stories that help us make meaning of our pain and resulting experiences.
Telling stories and creating our personal narratives is very important in our quests to survive and thrive. Making-meaning of our pain and suffering is necessary for boosting and bolstering our own resilience. Have you ever attended a testimony service? It is so empowering and uplifting to hear fellow Christian brethren recall their trials, tribulations AND, most importantly their God-authored triumphs. Storytelling is important to ground our identities and experiences.
It's so essential that we get dirty and dig deep in our hearts and minds for the truthful elements that comprise our stories. The pharmacon is in our pain. It's very important for us to involve God on the journeys that plummets us to the depths of our soul. Only in knowing ourselves can we rightfully understand where we have been and where we are going.
Sometimes we are the victims of others' lies and malicious accusations. It's quite common for divorcees to be the subject of lies and the target of false accusations as our ex-spouses develop propaganda to defend their decisions and to persevere their esteem and integrity in the eyes of their family and fans. If you have experiences of the suffocating attack of treacherous slander, then call out to God. ONLY God can cause others to see the truth about you. Someone once said, "when toxic people can no longer control you then they will try to negatively influence how others see you." Though the attacks are painful and senseless, stay focused and stay prayerful. Trust God to open the eyes and hearts of your attackers and their audience. May God bring them from darkness to the light of truth.
As we are moving through the messy, painful, difficult work of introspection, we should refrain from 'running from our ourselves' or barring ourselves entry from certain areas of our hearts and minds. Some people cannot explore themselves alone; tough cases often require professional mental health help or pastoral care. If anyone finds themselves creating and perpetuating lies to defend 'self' or to make 'self' look better in the eyes of others, then a major problem is at hand. Seeking professional help is highly recommended.
Ladies, we cannot lie to ourselves and escape carefree. And, we cannot lie to others without consequence. At the end of the day, others quickly discover truth about us. To spread and perpetuate lies when others have disarming knowledge of our past is dangerous and disastrous. We want to shy away from dysfunction and use the storm of divorce to plot healthy, wholesome steps forward.
The everyday narcissist is defined by extreme self-absorption, arrogance, and grandiosity; none of those traits are admirable or conducive to good health and healing. While it's so tempting to make ourselves feel better by trying to look better and to convince others that we are better, let's take a close look at ourselves. Let's examine the broken areas of our lives and seek remedy for our brokenness. The Lord God has a remedy for every wound and affliction that pains us.
Sisters, it's so painful and counterproductive to hide behind superficiality. So many generations of Americans have experienced myriad traumas. But, due to the social milieu of their generations, they were not free to openly and honestly discuss their pain so they buried it deep within. I think our social climate allows more freedom to air dirty laundry; just take caution to entrust your cares and concerns with wise and gentle folks. We need faithful family members and friends. Loyal friends are often unbiased and can prove very helpful to those on the road to the healing. Choose your friends wisely and they will go the distance with you.
Research is bearing out the fact that trauma can alter our DNA in such ways that post-traumatic behavior can be genetically passed along. If behavioral research stands the test of time and if it's further corroborated by more data, then we have a lot to lose by affecting the next generation with exposure genetically or environmentally to maladaptive behaviors. Let's choose to live and love well. Our kiddos are depending on us to get well for our collective well-being.
Lies and cosmetic smiles can mask our pain for years; these masks will never be removed unless we consciously make the effort to expose ourselves. Exposure makes us vulnerable but so does the decision to love again after being hurt. We cannot vow to stop loving because someone stopped loving us as in the case of divorce. Likewise, we cannot keep our hurts and hang ups covered if we ever seek to find true peace and healing.
Sadly, masks can create a deep chasm that separates us from reality, denies us of complete healing and restoration, and ultimately, retards our growth and development. Divorce is too painful and tormenting of an experience to stay imprisoned in its shadows. Dearest Sisters, allow the love and light of God to touch and heal your wounds. Be courageous! Be bold! Fight forward! You have the courage to live victoriously after the storm. Seek the Lord!
Love and blessings
Hugs
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